Ugh, Ugg

Ugh, Ugg

            Black ones. White ones. Tan ones. Brown ones. One fish. Two fish. Red Fish. Blue fish. To wear them up, or down, or up, or possibly….tucked in? The inevitable question. In fact, they’re everywhere. In the arctic snows of Alaska. In the beachy Californian sun. And yes, in the Midwest, where fashion is always a staple of utmost interest. Ugh...Ugg boots.

            Gaining popularity among adolescents as a “trendy” thing to wear, Ugg boots have not gone away. No, no, no. They are now everywhere, appearing on the feet of girls who are still eating sand on the playground all the way up to women who wish they were young enough to eat sand on the playground.

            How many alpacas and llamas will be shaved naked before we put a stop to this terrible crime of animal abuse? Because I guarantee that no llama would be caught dead in a pair of those boots. If he did, all of the other reindeer wouldn’t let poor llama join in any reindeer games, that’s for sure.

            And have you looked at the price tag for a pair of those shoes? I’ve never seen a set that sells for less than $200 retail. Hell, I’ll go out in the backyard now and shave my Labrador Retriever, Lassie, hot glue her yellow fur on the inside of a pair of boots I got at Goodwill and call it a day. It wouldn’t look that much different, right?

            The cold season is upon us, I’m afraid, and with it, more questionable fashion choices. When the frigid air hits, the brain freezes, too.

Well, I’m off to find Lassie….here doggy, doggy,

Perfect Vision

Execute, Explore, Experiment, Exile, Repeat

Why do we call a significant other whom we’re no longer with an “ex”? Is it because we’re "ex"tremely "ex"cited to be ride of them? Hardly. Ben and Jerry’s should give me a holiday bonus for all the "ex"cess pints of Chubby Hubby and Chunky Monkey I bought the year Jeff cheated on me with his co-worker, Fransisco.

Are we "ex"asperated? Most likely. I won’t even go into detail about Anthony, the "ex"cellent defense attorney and poor "ex"cuse of a boyfriend. I could barely ever get a word in to "ex"press myself, "ex"cept in bed. Oh wait, not even then. The time he answered his cell phone for the Japanese gangster was the worst. My patience for him had "ex"pired like a can of moldy, fishy tuna. I knew the relationship was doomed from then on. Every time he tried to get frisky, my head "ex"ploded, “Iie! Iie! No! No!”

Sometimes though, a break up is "ex"actly what we need. Take Bill, "ex"travagent in every way, yet completely "ex"hausting. I was accepted for a summer internship in New York City and quite frankly, "ex"ceptionally glad to be rid of him and let the relationship "ex"tinguish. A week in, he showed up at my doorstep and got down on one knee with a ring he’d gotten from a Cracker Jack box, eyes wide with "ex"pectations. Oh yeah, and did I mention that we’d been together for two weeks?! Goodbye Bill. That one taught me that I needed to be "ex"tra ready before getting into a serious relationship.

There are times when a fling turns out to be an "ex"periment. Tyler, what a sweetie. Always was on time. Always got me a dozen roses. And did I mention Tyler was absolutely gorgeous, "ex"uberant and "ex"otic? She will be a perfect match for someone someday. But not for me.

What’s so "ex"traordinary about love, anyway? Are we really "ex"traterrestrials who aren’t meant to stay together? Or do we "ex"pect to get hurt, so we stop trying? Humans do know a couple of facts. Love is "ex"emplary in its hold on our souls. Love is an "ex"halation of passion and companionship all at once. We must "ex"terminate those in our lives who don’t "ex"emplify our definition of what love is. But the truth is, no one can really "ex"plain why we call our past lovers “ex”s. We can only "ex"amine how we feel. And "ex"ercise after eating ten pints of Chunky Monkey ice cream.
Have "ex"ceedingly "ex"plosive "ex"cursions, all,
Perfect Vision