Don't Mess With My Ellen

Have you ever heard of the old lady who lived in the shoe? Well, try the old lady who lived at the gym. I go to the fitness center every day and see the same lady there. Every day. She never says hello, never acknowledges me in any way, just walks on her treadmill and rides her stationary bike.

And at this gym, there are two remotes to the television set in the treadmill and elliptical room. You would not believe the stupid things some people do to keep these remotes to their greedy selves. They put them in those little cup holders, hold them in their sweaty hands while they run and I swear I even saw a guy stuff a remote down his pants once.

It's intense.

So I'm on my elliptical machine and glance at the clock. Ellen Degeneres's show has been on for five whole minutes! Gasp. I proceed to look for one of the sought after remotes as the old lady I see every day gets off her machine and heads for the disinfecting wipes. It looks to me like she's done watching Oprah. Fist pump! I proceed to make my move and switch the channel to Ellen. Success, right?

WRONG!

This old lady marches to a different machine, sits down, huffs and puffs indignantly, and turns the channel back to Oprah. Without even looking at me. Not once. Meanwhile, here I am about to go all Jerry Springer on an eighty year old woman. Is it so much to ask to want to watch Ellen? She's a funny, super-hip lesbian. What's not to like?

Is it just me, or has gym etiquette been completely lost?

It seems like every time I go to the gym, there's some frazzled mommy with her screaming toddler on the track. Or some meat head lifting weights who forgets to use the disinfecting wipes to sop up his puddles of sweat. Or someone who drops a deuce in the locker room and forgets to flush. Seriously.

And if that little old lady tries to mess with my Ellen again, I wont hesitate to drop kick her in the teeth.

Lovingly Yours,
Perfect Vision

The Love, the Science and The Art

Do you ever get a sudden urge to do something when you think no one is watching? Like, you're sitting at the red light and you desperately want to dig for some gold in your nose? No one's looking right?
Or maybe you're strolling around the mall and pass by an unattended kiosk. And on that kiosk are rows upon rows of Snuggies in every shape and pattern imaginable. Your jaw drops. You wanted a Snuggie for Hanukkah but didn't get one and cried about it for weeks. Now is your shining moment of opportunity. Will anyone notice if you nab the red one? Well my friends, the answer is yes! People notice things. One thing I've observed about human beings is that we love to watch and analyze one another.

So maybe you think the little old lady in the neighboring car at that red light is retouching her lipstick, but odds are, she's peering around for anything and everything to report at her Sunday evening knitting club. And maybe you think no one will notice if you grab the much sought-after red Snuggie at the mall kiosk, but nuh-uh...Little Teddy Turner is with Mommy in Barnes and Noble and sees the whole dirty deal (and then tattles, because that's what kids do).

The fact is, people watching is something many of us have a love for. It's an exact science that doesn't develop overnight but grows like the fungus on that two year old sandwich under your bed. And most of all, people watching is a form of art. Not only do we spy on people, but other humans inspire us. Where do you think Lady Gaga thought of wearing her insane costumes? Why, Sir Elton John of course! We watch other people subconsciously without even realizing it, and those observations in turn influence our lives.

Alcoholics Anonymous? How about People Watchers Anonymous? Because that, my friends, is an addiction all in itself. Hi, my name is Perfect Vision and I am a People Watching Addict. There, I said it.

Now join the club.

The apple of your eye,
Perfect Vision